Valentine?
by PyxWPI
Summary: Zim and Dib recieve a couple of interesting valentines. Rated for small reference to potential harm to a character. Can't be too careful... COMPLETE!
1. Our Favorite Valentines: Part One

A/N: Hello. It is I, Pyx! I realize that I have not finished my other fanfiction, but do YOU realize that I WARNED YOU? That's right, you set yourself up for that one. You can look ashamed now. Anyhow, this is a short little V-Day fic, and I mean short. I thought it was cute (and creepy), so I decided to post it here for others' enjoyment. I doubt there will be another chapter, but I'm contemplating it. So, are you ready? I hope you are. Here we go!

Disclaimer: I am not in any way affiliated with Jhonen Vasquez or Viacom and do not own Invader ZIM. You happy now? HUH! Yeah, that's right, smirk at me as you crush my delusions of grandeur.

Zim had gone to extreme lengths (again) to protect himself against the meat horrors of Valentine's Day the night before, and the product of his hard labor was somewhat disturbing. He'd concocted a large metal suit equipped with meat repelling features such as an energy shield and several cannons. He chose to ignore the fact that it looked like he'd robbed the crash site of an air plane and glued the pieces he'd found onto himself. Even though the equipment slowed his reflexes by a significant amount, and all he could manage on the way to skool was a slow trudge, he felt as safe as he possibly could on the filthy planet called Earth. Not only that, but he'd remembered his meat gifts to the other children of his class so he could appear more normal.

"Hey Zim!" a familiar voice spat at him with a truck load of contempt. Zim tried to whip around in the direction of the voice and strike an imposing pose to frighten the stupid human, but he was too fast for his suit and ended up pulling a muscle while twisting around. He winced, but allowed the lower half of his body catch up with his torso.

"Dib!" Zim snarled across the street at the small boy glaring at him from beside a street lamp and an angry sister.

"What are you up to?" Dib answered, leaning forward a bit as if leaning in to hear a great secret.

"Why, nothing, you pitiful Earth stink. I'm just walking to skool like a normal human filthy." Zim answered objectively (or so he thought), looking to the sky and whistling nonchalant. Dib didn't buy into Zim's conviction and raced across the street to confront him. Gaz growled and continued on her way to skool. After all, it wasn't her problem if her brother was late for class.

Dib shoved a finger in Zim's partly visible face. "You've been here over a year, and I've known what you were from the moment I saw you, so don't try to pull that 'I'm normal' act on me!"

Zim turned awkwardly away from the child and began trudging in the direction of the skool again, his face turned upward with superior indifference. "I'll tell you nothing, Filth."

"One day, the whole world will know what you are, Zim!" Dib threatened the retreating alien. Scoffing, Zim forced the suit to turn in the opposite direction again to leer at his rival.

"You'll never know the brilliance of my new plan Dib!" He grinned and tried to cross his arms, but found it difficult with the conflicting bulkiness, so he just continued to sneer.

"Ha! You're probably trying to protect yourself with that thing!" Dib ventured, pointing at his poorly constructed armor. Zim, hugged himself and leaned away as if he'd been exposed in the worst way.

"Bah! Wh-what do YOU know, human? NOTHING! NOTHING I TELL YOU!" He once again turned his contact covered eyes skyward, this time nervously.

"Heh! You're pathetic, Zim! I'll find some way to get some meat past that hideous thing!" Dib promised, running past his enemy and across the street. As Zim turned and watched the human run away, he found himself wishing that a truck would ignore the red light that Dib was taking advantage of and hit the large-headed boy, sending him into a coma, or, better yet, killing him.

It took Zim a considerable amount of time to make it to skool, due to the suit's inhibitions. He walked into class fifteen minutes late, during a lecture about wolverines and their connection to several missing infants around the country. Zim tried to march into the classroom, but only succeeded in dragging his metal coated feet over the threshold.

"...The theory was that a clan of wolverines, with ill will toward people, banned together to lower our sentient population and then use guerilla warfare to-Zim! Why are you late!" Miss Bitters barked. Zim attempted to salute, but found the joints in his suit were being stubborn so he inclined his spine in a small bow instead.

"SIR! I encountered a problem with my new clothes!" he answered in a military fashion, while the all the children in the room, save Dib, nodded in comprehension.

"Sit down, you miserable mistake upon the world!" Bitters pointed to his seat, where Zim was already headed. When he reached it, however, he discovered another limitation to his armor: he was unable to sit down. Therefore, he just stood awkwardly beside the desk while Dib eyed him suspiciously.

Suddenly, a red, heart-shaped light on Miss Bitters' desk blinked and she glared at it as if it had sentenced her to death. Growling involuntarily, she turned her glower to the audience to her lecture. "As you know, it is Valentine's Day. Despite my vehement complaints, the skool board feels that this holiday is important to build relationships between students, so pass out your meat slabs, before I'm forced to report that you are NOT enjoying your holiday."

The students immediately set themselves into a frenzy and screamed in delight as they gave and received meat. Dib laid his head on his desk in an attempt to tune out everything going on around him. Zim sweated bullets as several of his classmates placed meat on his desk and smiled at him benignly. He suffered a particularly tense moment when Spoo dangled a raw steak in front of his large eyes as he tried to hold in his vomit.

Bitters' desk flashed again and she was growing to dislike the management more and more. "Dib! Zim!" she shouted at the two boys. Dib's head snapped up and he stared at the teacher questioningly, not remembering doing anything wrong. Zim sighed with relief as Spoo backed away from him, not willing to be spotted by the malevolent teacher as well. "You have packages!"

Bitters opened a drawer and looked upon an array of buttons, pushing two in particular. Directly above Dib's desk, a hole opened in the ceiling and dropped a package wrapped neatly in blue paper decorated with white hearts on the center of his desk. At the same time, a hole opened above Zim as well, and deposited a heavy book upon his head. He was thrown forward to the floor, seeing stars and groaning. Bitters emitted a guttural growl as she snatched the dictionary off of the floor.

"This is NOT your package, Zim!" She set the enormous tome upon her desk and pressed another button. When Zim was once again hit with another object, his eye twitched menacingly. He managed to get up on his feet again, though his suit protested adamantly. But as he tried to bend down to retrieve the package, it seemed to armor had had enough, and would bend no longer. Zim gritted his teeth and struggled to make his suit obey his will, but it would no longer budge. Eventually, Sarah stooped on her way past and picked it up for her classmate, holding it out to the alien. He snatched it away from her, glaring daggers, but saying not a word of thanks.

Across the room, Dib had already opened the box, and was staring at the note attached to the large ham inside.

WE LOVE YOU!

Love,

The fans

Scratching his head, he looked over at Zim, who was starting to tear the red paper off of his gift and rip open the box to find another ham. The Irken cocked his head at the offering and plucked a small note off the meat. Reading the exact same note a couple of times over, he met Dib's gaze and stared back inquisitively. Dib held up the note he'd received, and Zim did the same, with mirroring expressions of confusion.

Once again, I doubt there will be another chapter, but if you review, I'll show you the meats that Gaz and GIR got. And if you don't, well, that's just too bad for me. Allow me to wish all of those who read this fic a happy Valentine's Day. Blessed Be!


	2. Our Favorite Valentines: Part Two

A/N: I'd like to thank those who reviewed, especially those from BBRP. You guys rock!

I've updated with another chapter! Go figure, huh? Anyhow, this is how Gaz and GIR got their meat from the fans. Another chapter may be in store again, but if I make another, I might just have to turn this into an epic, and eventually a self-insertion. It doesn't sound very appealing to me, since I seem to dipict myself in the worst ways in all my self-insertion fics. However, I think it might be safe to say that my reviewers will keep me in check. No? If you want to see this turn into an epic, I will include my reviewers as well. That way, I won't have to be the focus of the discovery. Alright? Alright. Time to start the second part of the show!

Disclaimer: As much as it hurts me to say it, I am not in any way affiliated with Jhonen Vasquez, nor with Viacom. All of the characters dipicted in this story belong soley to these entities. And pain paired with rage. I almost forgot the rage.

Gaz tapped on the buttons of her GameSlave, not paying the slightest attention to Mr. Elliot, who was lecturing them on the dangers of falling into depression. It seemed as if he smiled every waking moment of his life, but Gaz was not sure if that was possible herself. It was hard for her to smile, even when she was happy. She was always cautious about smiling, especially in public, due to the fact that it was obviously contagious, and people displayed even more stupidity when they frolicked in the light of their lives...

Elliot's phone rang lifting itself slightly off the desk, and the teacher picked up the reciever with as much glee as humanly possible. Nodding to someone who could not see him, he hung up the phone almost immediately and grinned at the children in his midst. Pausing her game, Gaz raised an eyebrow curiously in spite of herself.

"Hey, kids! You know what today is?" Elliot raised his arms, anticipating his own guessing game. Everyone grumbled.

"Valentine's Day!" Donutte cried, the only one nearly as happy as the instructor. Everyone but Gaz seemed to perk up when Elliot nodded with vigor.

"That's right! It's time to bring out the meats, children!" Said children made a mad dive under their desks and brought out many boxes of carefully packaged beef, chicken and pork products. Gaz shuddered at the latter, remembering all too clearly her incident with pig. She otherwise completely ignored her classmates, not interested at all in exchanging meat with anyone she would rather not know.

When Zootch nearly set a pork tenderloin on her desk, the contemtuous heroine brought her fist up to his face so fast, it was almost unnerving. The tenderloin lay next to the unconscious Zootch several minutes until he woke and crawled away hastily. Gaz didn't seem to notice, or care, as she was still engrossed in her Vampire Piggies.

If Gaz wished not to be included in the festivities, it wasn't obvious to everyone in the universe. Mr. Elliot had picked up his phone a second time that day and this time his face fell. He glanced over at the confrontational little girl in the corner of the room, completely casting aside the rest of the world for her games. He nodded, once again to someone who was unable to see his action and then hung up in a hurry. Clearing his throat, he regretfully called over to Gaz.

"Gaz?" The subject looked up, nodded and then looked down at her console in quick succession. "You have a package?"

Gaz's gaze now rested on Mr. Elliot longer than two seconds. She once again raised an inquisitive eyebrow at the teacher.

Elliot pushed a button on his desk's surface and a box wrapped in black paper with pink hearts shot out of a tube sticking out of the drywall behind the wallpaper. The instructor caught it and brought it carefully over to the student's desk. She examined the outside visually for a few seconds before hesitantly ripping off the paper on the outside.

After digging her small hands under the flaps on the plain cardboard box and pulling them apart, she found a lone ham with a small note attached:

We Love You!

Love,

The Fans

Her eyes actually widened considerably as she looked from the ham to the note and back again. Some leftover groupies from the media-freak curse... Or was it some sort of sick joke? Her eyes returned to their normal state and she clenched her fists menacingly, at which cue the entire class fled to the opposite corner of the room in fear of her irate attitude.

Meanwhile, GIR was entertaining himself as best he could, which meant that his master would be all too unhappy when he came back to the base that afternoon. The automaton couldn't help himself, though; in his own mind, there was nothing better to do with your time than bake bacon cookies, even if you did have to make a mess. Of course, the fact that he was making a mess never crossed his tiny mind.

"Secret ingredient! Secret ingredient!" He shrieked, dropping a massive amount of change into the dough and stirring the coins in. Giggling, he overturned the bowl and allowed the ball of cookie dough to drop on the greased pan, overflowing off the sides. He shoved the pan into the oven, preheated to the very highest temperature. He skipped off, neglecting the fire hazard he'd committed and hid behind the couch.

The Pig sat behind the sofa as well, blinking at GIR as if trying to make sense of the situation. GIR shushed him impatiently.

"We have to be QUIET, PIG! The magic won't happen if it know we here!" He insisted, staring at the front door attentively. Minutes passed without event as Pig and GIR sat behind the furniture, hiding from only who knows what. Suddenly GIR decided he'd had enough.

"Let's play crush da can! Ehehehehe!" The little robot beckoned to Pig, who followed obediently. Just as soon as GIR opened the door though, he was looking at a pair of legs. His head snapped upward to meet a face covered in blemishes and a vacant expression.

"Woah," The teenager said in a monotone, "Cool technology."

"Yup! I have an arm!" GIR kicked the boy in the shin trying to show off his multiple limbs, which irritated him into dropping the package that he was holding and runnning for his truck. The adolescent was gone before GIR knew exactly what had happened.

He was little deterred however, only pausing a moment before pouncing on the box wrapped in white glossy paper with green hearts. He'd torn it apart and was still trying to open it even though he had reduced the package to shreds and was now sitting on the contents. Pig took a good look at what GIR was using as a seat and squealed, running away from him as well.

"Awwww! Where'd ya go? Where? Where?" GIR cried, looking around for his piggy companion. He was distracted once again by his seat. "Woo! Lookit that!"

Rolling off the ham underneath him, he picked it up and picked the small note off of it. Almost as if he'd been possessed by a strange craving, he nearly inhaled the entire ham, stuffing it in his mouth in one bite. He spent several minutes after that sitting motionless on the concrete, still as possible. It wasn't long before he was moving again, however, after letting out a very loud belch that managed to shatter several neighbors' windows.

Satisfied, he headed back to his wide open front door. Unfortunately, he remembered a small fact that kept him from entering the now smoking house.

"I've got lint in here!"

He opened his head and dove his hand into the space. Soon he was pulling out massive amounts of lint, giggling madly and drawing many stares from passersby.

This chapter was much shorter than the last one, but Gaz was already in class, and I'm not very good at writing GIR, I'm afraid. I think he's much too random. You can tell me how I did. After all, that is what review is for. Also, don't forget to encourage or discourage me from making another chapter. Either way will be productive. And if you do want me to continue, don't forget to include your or your character's description so I can include you in the rest of the story (just to even things out; not to mention, I might not have to include myself, lol!)

Blessed Be!


	3. Our Favorite Valentines: Part Three

A/N: This will most likely be the second to last chapter. I was going to write only one more chapter, but Maron Zelde reminded me that The Tallest were still without meat (I knew I was forgetting someone, lol!) So this chapter will be devoted to The Tallest. I have decided that this will never turn into an epic, because I only have so much time, now that my SATs and ACTs are coming and I must study. Not only that, but I just think this is not a fic that I'd like to include fans in. I wouldn't want to rob this fanfic of its mystery to the characters.

Disclaimer: My afilliation With Jhonen Vasquez and Viacom is purely one-sided. Meaning: I know about them, but they know not of me. I would be very disappointed in my readers if they generated lawsuits against me.

The Massive slowly eclipsed a sun as it passed it while The Almighty Tallest ate their way through a pile of Irken snacks. Since all their nutrition came from the advanced paks attached to their spinal cords, they had little occasion to eat, but they enjoyed their sense of taste a little too much, as are the opinions of some. The crew occasionally shot their leaders furtive glances, most of them instilled with a sense of curiosity as to how they could eat non-stop. Otherwise, they busied themselves with maintainance and operation of the gargantuan vessel entrusted to their care. It was very rare if The Tallest even addressed them, other than to change coordinates, so they expected no type of distraction other than the somewhat disgusting noises being generated by their leaders' grinding teeth.

The Tallest themselves were having a grand time debating the importance of their limbs. Tallest Red was starting to question the initiation ceremony where their thumbs were surgically removed, but Purple was most certainly adamant about the tradition.

"Look, I just think that we could rule a little better with our thumbs!" Red argued, floating around the pile of sustainance, trying to find something specific. Purple scoffed at his co-ruler flitting to and fro.

"It's been done for... you know... A long time! They wouldn't do it if it weren't necessary." He insisted, holding out a tiny squeak toy and activating it to Red's annoyance.

"But, take Zim for example-" The crew stopped their duties to gasp and gaze at Red with amazement. Narrowing his eyes, Red waved them off. They all gulped and continued their operative jobs shakily.

Purple shook his head. "I told you that law against saying Zim's name was only going to make it more difficult for us to make fun of him behind his back." Red lowered his gaze in supressed shame, realizing his partner was indeed right.

"How about we revise the law saying that no one can say it except us?" Red asked. Purple pondered the question, but shook his head.

"If we can say it, it's not blasphemy to The Empire. Don't we have to have a reason...?"

"Of course not! We'll just convince everyone that only we're powerful enough to overcome the sheer force of the blasphemy... Or something." Red shrugged and his partner nodded.

"Their short; they'll buy it." He agreed. His satifaction turned into bemusement as he tried to remember what they were talking about before.

"Anyhow, Zim's got his thumbs, and he's the most terrifying thing in the universe! Other than space dooky, that is." Red continued.

"But Zim's pretty stupid too. I mean, we're not stupid, we're tall." Purple carefully pulled a bag out of the pile, which tumbled around his middle like several Jenga bricks. He frowned heavily, increasing his altitude to float out of the mess.

"I guess so, but that kinda stamina probably has something to do with his thumbs..." The other Tallest mused, turning his face upward in contemplation. Purple snorted and shook his own head again.

"I don't think so. Then again..." Both of the rulers lost themselves in their collective thumb-thoughts while the operatives took the opportunity to steal a few snacks, once again, out of pure curiosity to know exactly what it was about these things that were so addictive.

One small crew member returned to his post while stuffing bags of Irken snacks into his pockets unceremoniously. To his utter bewilderment, the control panel flashed, indicating an incoming transmission. He goggled at the board for a moment before calling, "Incoming Transmission... From an unknown source..."

The Tallest automatically snapped out of their reveries and stared at the soldier questioningly. "That's not possible," Red said slowly, confused to his highest extent. "Our computers know every transmission code in the universe."

"Maybe..." Purple began, but shrugged, unable to think of a logical explaination. Red signalled for the operative to feed the message through, as he complied. The screen in front of the leaders turned to static before bringing up a single text message:

We Love You!

Love,

The Fans

P.S.: Special Package Enclosed

The Tallest glanced at each other with confusion before both, at the same time, nodded to the small crew member to recieve the package. After he pushed several lighted buttons on the console, the sound of equipment whirring to life erupted in the bridge. The teleporter at the back of the control room shot a beam of light onto a platform beneath it. The particles reformed in perfect order, nothing but an ordinary cardboard box. The Tallest glanced at each other again with great skepticism before floating over to the small object and leaning over to rip off the silver foil with raised hearts covering it. Taking one look inside, their confused countenances deepened, even going so far as to pull out the strange meat.

"Ewh! What's that?" Purple demanded, pointing accusingly at the bone and meat hanging from Red's fingers. He shook his head and held it away from him as though it carried some sort of disease. Even as it had been properly launched into the space around the Massive, The Tallest refused to cease gagging.

These chapters seem to be getting shorter... Or maybe it's just me... Forgive me, I'm not too good at The Tallest, but I'm working on it. One more chapter and then it's all over. The last chapter is just to tie up loose ends and redeem my horrible job on the characters. I hope you find it worthy enough to read, lol! Oh well. Once again, thanks to all those who reviewed. And to those haven't, I would really apreciate your input, or constructive criticism. After all, I like to post here because it improves my writing skills. Blessed Be!


	4. Lost Interest

A/N: Last chapter, just to even things out. I hesitated posting this one because I thought it was much too short before I revised it. It still follows the pattern of ever-shorter chapters, but this, thankfully, isn't two lines long.

Disclaimer: I think I've said it enough. I am in no way affiliated with Jhonen Vasquez or Viacom.

Zim kicked open his front door, seething and smoking, not just from anger. Somehow, his suit had failed him, and he had been exposed to a rather juicy steak. Since it had been so ineffective, he had disposed of it later that day by explosion, a favorite of his. Taking out his contact lenses and brushing off his wig, he shouted at his house, "Computer! Where is GIR?"

"I donno... Somewhere other than here?" the computer answered with absolutely no interest whatsoever. Zim merely let out a low gutteral growl. "Let me know when he returns. And tell him not to disturb me! I have... STUFF to do!"

Zim seemed so angry that he wasn't inclined to notice the charred and messy walls as he marched to his toilet portal on the other end of the kitchen, not even taking note of the sticky ropes of some baking-gone-wrong hanging from the thick cables running across the obscure ceiling. His best interests were focused entirely upon his laboratory facilities, and as he rode the transluscent tube down to the second level of his base, he pulled the small note he had gotten earlier out of his pocket snorted at it derisively.

When he arrived at his destination, he slapped the note on a nearby matter scanner and tapped a couple buttons next to it. "Analyze this! I command you!"

The computer took longer than Zim had anticipated, so long in fact that the alien had taken to tapping his foot impatiently on the concrete floor. The computer, meanwhile, was quite confused. It was sure it was paper, but the traces that were found on it were not of normal human consistancy. Humans left a lot of fingerprints and things that Zim would deem "unclean," but this note was blank of the normal signs that it was written by a human. However, it seemed to be covertly energized, and something close to Meekrob peace-energy. The problem with this was the Meekrob lost their ability to write with the loss of definite physical bodies...

"Well? What is the news for ZIM? Who wrote this disgusting letter of adoration? I want to VAPORIZE their organs!" Zim's brain had already begun forming the design of a machine that would accomplish such a task.

"Well... I don't know..." Computer confessed, nonplussed.

"WHAT? What do you mean?"

"Sir, there's not evidence to suggest it was written by a human at all."

"Then who did? TALK TO ZIM!"

"There's some Meekrob-like energy on the thing, but..."

"IMPOSSIBLE! Meekrob don't have written word!" Zim was growing even more irritable at the lack of answers his analysis was getting.

Computer sighed. "I KNOW. That's why it's so strange. I don't have any idea what could have sent that."

"GRRRRRR! Fine! The TALLEST will know."

Zim was surprised to find that his leaders were in a state of perpetual retching. Nothing actually made it out of their mouths, but those numerous snacks wanted desperately to see the light of day again... "In case you haven't noticed, Zim," Red said through a series of heaves and swallows, "we're having a really wierd day, so if you could just call back, you know, never..."

"But, my Tallest! You must see this secret message I have recieved! Another filth in the universe shows affection for the mighty ZIM!" He held the tiny paper up close to the screen so Red and Purple could get a good look at it.

Once they cared to look at what Zim was showing them, they became much too preoccupied to continue gag. Recognizing it as the same message they recieved, Purple pushed Red to the side and stared. "W-where did you get that?"

"A hideous dirt-child no doubt. But my computer couldn't trace it, and I MUST know who dares to lay human love upon me!" Despite his final disposition, Zim brought it down from the screen and smiled on it. "Gullible humans."

"Uh... lookZimwegottagowe'lltalktoyoulaterbye!" Red cut the transmission with a hand signal and looked at his co-ruler with an apprehensiveness.

Back on Earth, Zim stared at the static that was the result of his conversation with The Tallest. He blinked, shrugged, and tossed the note into an ordinary wastepaper basket at his feet, for some reason, no longer bothered with the mystery. He whistled a little tune as he headed for the elevator again, looking to begin construction on that vaporizor, but not planning to limit its use as much as he was before.

This... was the first fanfiction I've finished... EVER! PARTY! Happy; can you tell? I can't believe it! It might not be much, but I finished it! I'm so proud of me! YAY! Well, I hope you're proud of me too, and I also hope that the conclusion of this fic proves fruitful for others as well. Blessed Be, and GOOD NIGHT!

Pyx:WPI


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